Depression

Depression, there are no words to describe it. I have been off of my anti depressants for a week. I am tired of crying it comes in waves, overwhelming, I have to get away and let go, yesterday it lasted for about a hour, after I sat and quietly did email and just got quiet. The rest of the evening was good as long as I didn’t watch anything heartrending. I cried at a Petco commercial. Today I worked on not over reacting, finding a quiet space within, I felt the overwhelming need to just lay my head down and sob. I feel like Im melting.
I love how people say to me its dangerous to go off your antidepressants cold turkey, as if I had a choice. Every program I have tried you have to wait 2 months so they can verify your desperate. I wonder by the time they get done how many people have died.
I sm smart, I am a good person (mostly), when I am taking Cymbalta I am a normal funny happy person.
I am still looking for a job, I know there is a plan, I am hanging on, I am letting myself cry, I still have hope. I am afraid I am dying.

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Living in Hawaii

I love living here in Hawaii, obviously the advantages are sun, beach, scenery but before anyone decides to move here its not all sandy beaches and sunsets. We rent because it is very expensive to buy, our rent is twice what it would be on the mainland. Groceries are 10-20% higher (sometimes more), traffic is horrendous, gas is expensive, there are some cultural prejudice, jobs are hard to come by, there’s a lot of homeless (although that is fairly political).
But this is my home, the scenery is beyond amazing, if I feel stressed there is a beach within minutes, if I want to play tourist I can go to Wakiki (great people watching), the weather is always nice, I am a runner (haven’t done much lately) makes it nice to be athletic. The atomsphere is much more laid back, clothing is informal, nobody really cares what you look like on the beach, people are friendly.
I can’t really explain why I love it here but I do, its a feeling in the heart. Like any love story I have been tempted to give up when it gets hard but you persevere and fall in love again.

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My Children

I have great kids, they are the loves of my life. I wish I was closer to them physically and emotionally, living in Hawaii is wonderful but it is a long way from Oklahoma City. The cost of visiting can be prohibitive, I miss them a lot and I miss being around my beautiful granddaughters.
My son Pat is a good man, he’s smart, goodlooking, and a good dad. He has a good moral compass and a sensitive spirit. We make jokes about the fact he was an active child, but really I only remember the sweet moments, holding him in my arms as a baby, his sweet baby smell, how pretty he was. I remember his love for animals and sticking up for others. I remember when he was 14 he built a TV stand for me, I remember when my heart broke for him when he broke up with a girl or when one stood him up. I remember a lot of conversations we had the last few years and the good advice he has given me. If not for him I may have missed a lot of time with my Mom before she passed. In many ways hes the child most like me but he has channeled and grown so that his feelings and emotions work for him (that is his Dads influence) . I am so proud of him and thankful for the blessing he is.
My daughter Cheri is a strong woman, she is like me in that we often live in a dream world and we are emotional reacters. I learner that bit of wisdom from her, shes funny, she’s honest, independent, creative, and really intelligent. We can be loners and isolate ourselves if we aren’t careful. She knows what she wants and you cant talk her out of it. She is beautiful inside and out. As a child she loved being in her room, she loved to read, her feelings were easily hurt and you had to be careful what you said, she’s like my Mom in she can hold hurts and grudges close to her heart, they will forgive you if you are sincere, otherwise your out of luck. She has a good instinct about people. I am amazed by her, proud, and grateful. I miss her.
My daughter-in-law Casey is an amazing woman. She is beautiful, brilliant, and kind. She is easy to talk too. She is an amazing mother. I admit I am a little in awe of her. She keeps going and doesn’t give up, I am lucky she is in our life. She is an old soul, I am so appreciative of the fact she has listened to me and made me feel as if I was heard (what a gift).
Casey and Pat have gifted me with 2 gorgeous granddaughters. Clare looks like her Mom (mini me), she is thoughtful and kind. She likes sparkly things and shoes, I absolutely adore her.
Ellie is our baby, active, smart and full of personality. Sometimes when I see pictures of her laughing, the smile, the spirit, and charisma remind me of my Mom.
I know I am lucky to have children who are good human beings. I made so many mistakes as a Mom (will write about it one day), I feel a lot of guilt. I want to apologize but I don’t know if that is what they need. I am thankful God has taken care of them. When they we’re babies I prayed every day for their happiness, health and safety, and that they would have a joyful life. I still pray for that. I want so much for them, I wish I could do more. I love them.

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Social Media

The blog probably represents my darker moodier side, Facebook represents my positive I love my family, animals, and life side. Instagram happy side. Pinterest my hopeful, happy, spiritual, fun, and the things I love. Twitter a combination since I post this blog on it, I post this blog only on Twitter because hardly no one knows me and I try to hide my angry sad side from everyone. In my normal life I am mostly happy and hopeful, when the anger and frustration hit me I go through some meditation and positive thinking, working on letting go and forgiveness even though a part of me doesn’t want to. Same with the depression, mostly I handle it but sometimes it is hard to breathe and my tummy hurts and I feel as if I am fighting for my life.
My mantra is I love my life and I am thankful.

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Vet Visit and Job Interview

Had my 2nd interview for the HCC Teaching job, it went really well, I still have to move through an interview with the Chancellor and the board, in the meantime filling out other job applications. Filled one out for Starbucks manager today, they had a virtual job Tryout which took about an hour, it was fun and did engage my mind, other than my supervisory experience at a preschool and the year I worked in a restaurant, probably not qualified except Starbucks is my favorite place and I love almost everything about it.
Lola our naked showgirl (the blue and gold macaw with no feathers) her eyes seemed to be bothering her. Since birds can go downhill fast we took her to the 24 hour vet. She got some cream for her eyes, antibiotics, and her toenails clipped. Have you ever given a Macaw a pill? We are trying to disguise it by crushing it and putting it in a little whipping cream, worked the first 2 times, she is having none of it tonight, will have to go to plan B tomorrow. Not sure what plan B is yet. For now we are watching her but she is okay.
Got Fancy’s ashes back today, we both cried and took some time to remember her.
Today I am thankful Lola is okay and Hoku is learning to say I Love You.

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Introduction To My Birds

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The 3 birds are our male Blue and Gold Macaw Chaka, he’s around 13 years old, he was being fostered after being rescued, he’s like a cranky old man, likes to dive bomb us, he was never socialized, he does like people if we are standing there. He likes both my husband and I equally (I may edge out a bit), he likes to go to bed by 8:30, sometimes earlier, he’s funny and silly.
Hoku is our 1 year old Catalina but looks more like a Harlequin. We helped hand feed her. We got her about 2 months after my other Blue and Gold passed (Goldie). We both adored Goldie and I was heartbroken, could not stop crying. Hoku helped ease our pain, but a baby is a lot of work. She is a comedian, sweet, busy all day long, and gets into everything. She is both of ours baby but mostly mine.
Lola is a female Blue and Gold who we rescued a year ago, we think she is about 11. She is charming, playful, loving. We call her our naked showgirl. Hopefully she will allow herself to grow feathers.
Pitre is in the bottom photo, he is a Citron Cockatoo about 13 years old, we rehomed him over 5 years ago. He is our sweet bipolar child, one minute sweet and then turns on you, we both have scars from him. He has the sweetest voice.
Our birds are like our kids, we love them very much. Having large birds like this is like having a special needs two year old for the rest of your life. They are not for the faint of heart. They need a lot of time and money. We have rescues and rehomed birds because people thought they could have a pretty bird that talked. They were disappointed and the birds suffered. I am glad I have them, they are funny around strangers, they get needy and clingy because they want to stay with us.

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Favorite Things

Today is an easy light blog. A few of my favorite blogs, Harsh Reality-Opinionated Man: he has a wry sense of humor, a definate opinion (even if I don’t always agree with it), he has some anger issues, and I have learned from him. Run Hemingway, Run : Love the English sense of humor, even if your not a runner you will appreciate his descriptive style. Pam Grout : Law of Attraction, I always feel good reading her blog and usually learn something. Kindle books and tips: good information along with discounted and free books..
Always love, I Love Lucy, So you think you can dance, and Big Bang Theory, also an older English show about a vicar who was a woman (love that one), Hoarders.
Musical artist IZ, Hawaiian artist, haunting voice. The artist John Pitre, most of his work speaks to me. Who doesn’t at least admire Oprah.? Love Janet Evanovich and Suzanne Brockman books. Mike Dooley writes positive LOA books and has a good website “Thoughts Become Things ” TUT.
As the song goes “these are just a few of my favorite things “, I didn’t include friends and family, my pets, food, and lots of other things, those will be included on another post.
Cheers!

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